Clear Eyed View on Suffering

Rev. Paul Yuanzhi Lynch, Bruce Ohjok Foley, HJN and Thom Kwanjok Pastor, JDPSN in April of 2011

I want to share a letter I recently received from a very close friend. He has lived a checkered path as many of us have. He was a ‘tough guy’ growing up in the back streets of Boston, and eventually became a United States Marine. Following his experience with the military, he returned and decided that a life of contemplation might help his dismal life. He entered a Catholic Carthusian monastery and led a cloistered life for many years.

A longing in his soul caused him to leave this path and to re-enter lay life. He became a Zen Practitioner many years ago and this is where our paths crossed.  I have known him for about fifteen years and we have celebrated successes and failures together. Through it all we have maintained a firm bond on what the essence of life and experience is.

My friend has recently fallen upon hard times, both personally, economically and physically. He has two herniated discs and spends his days lying on the kitchen floor taking all kinds of pain killers just trying to find this moment. We have been discussing this lately, he lost his job, faces eviction, and can’t really function the way he would like. Considering all of this, I would like to share his wonderful insights into ‘true’ practice with everyone. I couldn’t say more clearly, so I will let my friend say it to you.

My Dear Brother Paul,

Thanks so much for your kind words of encouragement and acceptance. I will pull through, with your blessing and those of others who I have met to be “altruistic” along the spiritual journey. My material needs will come and go. I have known both near poverty and a taste of being idle, with money to spare. It ebbs and flows. Somehow, the Universe provides and in it all, rich or poor, the Inner Man remains the same, like a rock in a raging river rapids, or shallow slow moving quiet brook. The waters change. The rock stays still. The essential man is untouched by externals. That’s the thing I’ve learned time and again. The litmus test, if you will, of just where we are at, in the spiritual life.

Christ, a Zen Master if there ever was, says as much, in speaking of impermanence and tribulation: “And on that day, you will then come to know, whether you have built your house on rock or sand.” Our inner humanity is best revealed in trial and upheaval. We have all been there. Especially people like us, who have taken the path seriously, no matter what tradition. It is all the same. We know it is easy to cruise into our practice when the bills are paid. When there is some extra cash to travel a bit, eat at some nice restaurants and drink from the golden cup. But..lo..a day may come and it usually does, when the scene shifts and we find ourselves in need. We look around and realize, “Hey, I’m not on top anymore.” (This was not in the brochure!) If this shift rocks us beyond a very human and acceptable concern, then we see that we really have not digested what spiritual detachment truly means. We have not quite got it. These shifts are our teachers.

This is what Christ meant if I can paraphrase Him, “Watch out followers, especially you monks and teachers of the Path, because, some day, a wind will blow and you had better be prepared for a change. You had better be ready to walk the talk, or you will be exposed. You’ll either find yourself standing on the solid ground of all that you have learned in your practice and inner life experiences, or, you’ll come tumbling down in a landslide of sand, only to be blown away like dust because you failed to build your inner life properly.” Here, I suppose, Jesus is also saying, “Don’t be wasting time on stupid shit, because you got a foundation to build on, and it’s one never really quite finished. You can slack off and cruise, and that is O.K., a man needs some rest. However, do not get too comfortable. Do not kid yourself. Keep mixing that mortar and laying those bricks because you never know when that storm will hit.” My point being, I think we can only manage loss and suffering to the degree that we build our inner ground, because ultimately, that is where the storm will come to rip us up. It will challenge our emotional stability. It will challenge our composure in the face of crisis. It will challenge our thought process and reveal, a quiet, strong mind, or, one tossed in every direction. Recently, I took a storm as such. O.K., so I bitched and moaned a bit, but I can also say that the years given to practice built a strong enough foundation of the inner human that I did not topple over like a sand castle. Therefore, it really does pay off to practice. (I know you know this. I am just sitting with my brother reflecting, not preaching.)

My Grandpa, (Died at 96) an old blue blood Yankee, a northern Maine farmer, was a sort of Zen master. You know the type. Wise, quiet and strong, one of those old-timers that are better listeners than talkers, but when they spoke, Boom! Their words hit you like a thunderbolt. I am still learning, all the time. All the time a beginner. I am learning to not only listen again, as a good monk should, but also to see that if I do not let go of needing and wanting to control it all, I suffer even more. If you grab the Tigers tail, he will take you for a ride, or worse, turn around and rip you up. It is nothing new, non-clinging. Detachment. No holding. No desire to control. Its like, “I see you Old Man Suffering, you cunning bastard, but guess what? I am not your boy. I am not buying it today, or tomorrow. Take it somewhere else. You’d love to see me take your hand and walk with you, see me come undone, but see, I got this secret inside me, the Pearl of Great Price-years of Practice that tell me you are a fraud and when you’ve had enough of your attempts to make me miserable, mean and nasty, you’ll leave me alone. You’ll leave because I never took hold of your hand in the first place.”

So, what do we do with our suffering? Where does it really come from? Who asks me to hold onto it? In addition, who says it is permanent? Ahh, I hear Paul saying: “Don’t make anything. Do not check. Don’t hold.” Yes, Pop Sa Nim, many bows..

I am not in the market. I am not buying. I am going to a place I know well. A place where it’s warm, welcoming and where the winds can blow all they want, but the walls will stand, the foundation is laid strong.

This morning, I saw wind and rain outside my window and dark clouds hover above me. Tonight, the sky is wide and clear. The stars shine brightly in midnight blue. A gentle breeze strokes my face and my cat, Master Zhaozhou yawns, rolls over to sleep. I slip in beside him gently, and together, we know, just this.

My love and peace is yours Paul,

Oh Jok, Haeng Ja Nim