An Honest Reflection on Personal Drug Use and the path that led me Out

This may be a sensitive subject for many readers of my blog, and for that I do apologize beforehand if it either bothers or offends you. I have only hinted at, in the past, my relationship to drugs and I have never really come out and spoken fully about my past and trust me I will only hint at it here. It is not something I am proud of, yet it is still a part of who I am today. Those who are close to me have heard many of my stories yet I have been hesitant to come out and talk openly about this interesting path that led me into becoming a Buddhist Monk.

The song in the video by Lou Reed is about Heroin, which was one of my favorite pastimes back then, he takes you on a journey through the 'rush' and the 'calm' that follows, and most of you won't understand, nor should you. Lately though, I have noticed that Lou Reed's lyrics keep going back to "and I guess I just don't know, and I guess I just don't know." I will discuss this later.

During those years I did not know that I could actually turn off my brain, and as the pain and the thoughts were always rushing in, the only way I felt even close to sane was when I was high on some substance. 

During my young adulthood, from age 16 to 24, I was experimenting or strung out or used every illicit drug that existed in the 1970's; luckily, back then, "Crack Cocaine" had not yet been invented. I also abused many of the legal prescription drugs like "ascodine," "percodan," "percocet," "dilantin," "quaalude," "valium," "dexedrine," and many others, preferring to snort them by the way, as well as some of the natural plants that are still not regulated, and by the way everyone should steer clear of jimson weed (loco weed) as it it highly psychoactive and I had several of my friends locked up for mental instability because of this plant. I hated jimson weed, but I was so out of control probably took it over forty times. When I was 18 I overdosed twice on amphetamines and was hospitalized for several days following each of my seizures. 

I smoked pot or hashish every day, yet that was never good enough, so I tried cocktails of mescaline, LSD, Cocaine and Benzedrine. Based upon my own experience it is easy for me to see how drugs took the lives of Jimi Hendrix,  Janis Joplin, John Belushi, and more others, both famous and unknown, these people may or may not be remembered, yet their internal struggle remains, lest we forget Michael Jackson or Whitney Houston. I can only say that I am surprised that I survived the experience. I used to love hitting "white caps" on the bong, which was a combination of heroin, thai weed and sometimes either quaaludes or amphetamines.

I can honestly say that from my 18th Birthday until about 24 and a half I was stoned out of my mind every single day on one substance or another. I know that once I went on a three week acid (LSD) run where I took acid every day for the three week period. By the end of the experience I had become bored with the results and just quit for a time.

This picture was taken on May 30, 1976 and at the time I was lucky if I weighed 118 pounds, and for the record I am six feet tall. I also know that it is a bit strange for those who know me to even comprehend that I was ever this skinny (I am currently about 300 pounds); however, I do believe the years of methamphetamine, heroin and other drugs severely screwed up my metabolism.

I had a difficult time finding myself, yet I have never exploited my past to justify what I do today. Nor do I depend or lean on it. Yes I was a hard rocker as well as one of the original punks for a time, I loved the Sex Pistols, the Clash, the Boomtown Rats, the Circle Jerks, the Adolescents, and even had a close relationship with Rikk Agnew (an icon in the Punk Community), but never felt any of this was important to the path I finally discovered. I have never tried to glorify my past or use it as an endorsement or a way into any counter culture group, I am merely trying to share a story of a path. 

There are those who sell Punk Buddhism, and Twelve Step Buddhism, and although I believe these can help individuals to a point, they are self limiting. Ch'an Buddhism is limitless, why, because it has no bounds or objective. Had I taken on a persona from my past and used it to teach others, they would have been limited by my own persona. This is a mistake made by many awakened teachers. Waking up upon the lines of some 'sub-culture' identity leaves you limited in the end. 

I have had many rough patches in my life, and yet today I can say that all of that no longer exists, and the person I am speaking about was left far behind in history. I believe this is why I have not pursued the path of discussing drug use and recovery as a path toward spirituality. Once we leave that past behind, that persona, that individual, that person no longer exists. Zen Master Seung Sahn taught me that "not knowing" was the only important aspect of living. Once I had permission to "not know" life began to fall into place. It is is an ongoing discovery and some 35 years later I am still discovering it.

(I know I will get all kinds of shit from the 12 steppers out there for saying this, and this is why I have chosen to keep my mouth shut 30 years. Have at it my friends as it is all just noise in the Cosmos.)